don’t be sad… be thankful :)

I’m feeling a lot better today after almost two weeks of trying to recover from my trip to Alabama and especially the drive home. It doesn’t usually take so long to gain my strength back after my trek across the country – but this trip was so emotionally draining and then Josh had an ear infection that finally ended on Thursday.  I’ve been waking up at 6am to go walking with my friend Kristen almost every morning until EVIL mother nature paid me a visit a couple days ago!!

 I’m missing Mamaw a lot today. I missed her on Saturday when I picked up the phone to call and get her recipe for German chocolate cake. I instead sat there on the phone with Papaw and held back the tears the best I could while we both rattled on about our weeks and I asked him how he was holding up and if everyone was still keeping him busy. I can’t imagine how it’d feel to lose someone so precious after so many years of being together. They were the funniest and sweetest couple. I don’t think she ever let him get his own clothes out. He would get out of the shower and his clothes were laid out on the bed – every morning and again in the evening. Once, she was in the hospital and Papaw called me at 6AM to ask me if I knew where she kept his socks. After her funeral, he was looking in his closet and told me “I don’t think all these are mine – they don’t look like mine”. They were his sweaters – neatly folded and laid over the hangers. I explained to him that she did that to keep them from getting misshapen.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I like to think about them. I like to imagine that when they were younger, they were just like me. You know, just trying hard to make it all work with what they had. I imagine I have it a lot better than they did, at least financially. The hard part is thinking that when I’m their age, I won’t have that ‘comfort’ they displayed with each other. You know what I mean – they weren’t royalty; she wasn’t a princess and he wasn’t a prince, but they had the fairytale… the happily ever after.

I want that, too.

The last three weeks we were together in Alabama were beautiful. I’ve only been back in Colorado since last August and I’ve been home to visit them twice other than this last time. I think knowing this would be the last time I’d see her made it even more important to us both. I wanted to soak her in – I wanted to feel her and take every word to heart. All the things she’s ever said to me come flooding back to me when I think about it, because I realize she always said the same things – right up until the night before she took her last breath. She sang to me – the song she sang to me my whole life. It’s called “Amanda” and was originally performed by Waylon Jennings, I think. It took every breath she had to get it out and it was barely audible – but I sat there on my knees beside her recliner and laid my head on the arm while I held her hand and the tears flowed – streaming endlessly down my face and onto her hands. She looked at me and said “don’t be sad”. I tried to compose myself and said “I’m not sad for you, Mamaw, I know this is going to be a happy time for you. I’m just sad for me. I’m going to miss you so much. You are the best part of me and I’m so thankful you’re mine.”

 She just smiled and ran her hand over my face. I closed my eyes and just soaked it in for a few seconds.

 “Don’t be sad“… ha! I am sad, though. I feel selfish.

I realize my posts have been kind of a downer lately – I’m sorry about that.  I’ve just been going through some things and I’ve needed to get it down on paper, so to say.  I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  I thought about erasing it and starting a new one but that’s totally something the OLD mandy would do.  So here we go –   I’ve been reading about ‘Gratitude Journals’ – you journal about what you’re grateful for – every day.  I will do my first official post tonight… but in light of this entry, I’d like to say that I am SO grateful for my amazing grandparents and for their influence in my life.  I miss my mamaw – but she is definitely with me today.  She is in my heart and I can feel her.  I am so thankful. 

What are YOU grateful for??

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